'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
The cats were actually settled, and quieter than a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the gas fireplace with care,
In hopes that Santa would soon be here.
Teagan and Hadley were sound asleep in their beds,
While they dreamt of new toys in their little heads.
And Boe in her PJ's, and I in my boxers,
Had just crawled into bed after watching Chicago Fire.
When out on the lawn I heard a loud noise,
That I jumped out of bed and tripped over one of Teagan's toys.
I quickly ran to the window in the blink of an eye,
While wondering if I should call the police and see if they are nearby.
The bright moon illuminated the frosted ground below,
That's when I noticed strange trail marks through the new fallen snow.
I'm barely aware thinking I couldn't have drank that much beer,
As I looked out the window and noticed a fat man with eight tinny reindeer.
With a little old man, who's red outfit was stained with booze and whiskey,
That's when I realized it was Santa looking a little grizzly.
His reindeer were standing there looking like hell,
and that's when he stood proud and started to yell.
"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!
We still have several stops to make with a sack full of toys,
And if we have time, we will deliver coal to all of the Back Street Boys!"
I started to wonder if I was going to have to deal with this fiasco every year,
Because we may have to have a conversation about his landing gear.
Then Santa took off in a hurry with his reindeer and sleigh,
Only to land on my roof while laughing away.
So I quickly checked on the rest of the family to make sure they were still fast asleep,
That's when I started to hear the roof twist and creek.
As I started to quietly make way back to my bedroom,
Santa decided to come down the chimney with a loud boom.
He was all decked out in his famous warm red suit,
I had a bit of concern that it was tarnished with booze, ashes and soot.
But he still had his large sack of toys that followed in tow,
It was a beautiful shade of red with just a dash of snow.
His eyes were a bit glazed over, and signs of wind burn on his face,
I supposed I'd be drinking too if I had to run his one night race.
His beard was perfectly shaped and was as white as could be,
I could tell with only the reflection from the lights on our fake Target Christmas tree.
A Cuban cigar held tight in his teeth,
The smoke encircled his head like a wreath.
He had the biggest smile from ear to ear,
I wondered if I should offer him a Red Bull or a beer.
For a man that still had a long night ahead of him,
He was certainly cheery and far from grim.
As he turned to me and gave me a quick nod of his head,
I figured it maybe time to head back to bed.
He stayed completely silent as he started placing gifts under the tree,
I could only hope that he was leaving some Cuban cigars for me.
Over to the gas fireplace he tip-toed quietly,
As he flew up the chimney while defying gravity.
He hopped up into his sleigh and gave his team a brief shout,
They all quickly took off to finish their route.
But I heard him exclaim, as they were just about out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and too all (burp) a Good Night!"
